Dallas Cowboys

The Cowboys suck.

They always choke in the big games.

They deserved to get beat down by the Eagles.

Christmas

This was the most depressing Christmas of my life, so far. I guess it doesn't help when you're already feeling depressed.

It was also my first angry present opening ceremony. You're not suppossed to be angry when you open presents.

The highlight of my five day weekend, right now, is when my grandma gave my 1 year old cousin some champagne. His face said it all, along with the champagne he was slowly drooling out. The best part, though, was when my grandma grab the glass to take another drink my 1 year old cousin flinched because he thought she was trying to give him more. Funny stuff.

My DVR

I love my DVR, but there is a problem. It interferes with my masturbating.

I work the evening shift and I don't get home until 11:11pm. I miss all my shows and it's a lot of tv to catch up with. Even if I fast forward through the commercials, it still takes me a couple of hours.

I don't like to go to sleep too late and all that fast forwarding takes attention away from my precious penis. I can't fast forward and watch a girl get double penetrated at the same time.

I guess sacrifices have to be made.

I'll watch my shows on the weekend.

Joey Secret (5)

I have a PhD in Fartology.

There was a period of time where I collected my farts in empty mayonnaise jars. I labeled them according to food that produced it.

It was mostly jars labeled broccoli, cabbage, beans and pepperoni.

My Family

My mother called this past Friday and told me I should go to Corpus Christi with them on Saturday for my aunt's fiftieth birthday. I said no. She then began the biggest guilt trip to date.

They haven't seen you in forever. They miss you. They love you. She would be so happy to see you. Blah, blah, blah.

It kinda bothers me when my family, besides my parents, say they love me. They don't even know me. If they got to know me, they may not love me so much.

I probably spend more time with co-workers than with extended family.

Anyway, back to the story.

We get to my aunt's house and my father and I immediately start to drink. I find when I'm a little drunk, I handle my family better.

I ended up getting real drunk. Tequila was involved.

I blacked out and woke up in a bed the next morning. As I was putting my shoes on, an image of a toilet popped in my head. I started to wonder if I vomited last night. This was confirmed when every single family member asked me if I was alright.

Apparently, I vomited while my uncles made fun me. I was told this by my parents because I do not remember.

Good times.

This information didn't surprise or bother me. It did seem to bother my parents though. My mom said she didn't like hearing my uncles make fun of me while I was vomiting. I asked her what she expected. She knows my uncles can be immature.

My dad came up to me before I left and made it clear why he was bothered. He told me, "I want you to work on your drinking. I didn't like how they were making fun you". I told him it will definitely happen again (vomiting) and that's the way it is. I'm not perfect and he shouldn't be embarrassed I drink like a lightweight. It's better than being an alcoholic. He wasn't put at ease.

What a great weekend.

Subway Commercial

This commercial has been around for a while now. I laughed every time I saw it on the t.v. and finally decided I should share my version with other people.

It's the five dollar foot long commercial. You know, the one where they put a hand up. Then they make the foot long sign.

Well, there is a part in the commercial where there is a giant, Godzilla-like, robot and a Japanese girl doing the five dollar foot long signs. The thing is, people don't know the back story of why she's making those signs.

It's not for Subway.

The robot is on his way to have sex with the Japanese girl. She's putting her five up to say stop.












Then the foot long sign to say that his robot penis is far too big for her human vagina.












If you watch the commercial, she's scared. She doesn't want to be ripped in half by a giant robot penis.

In fact, she is so scared, it might be a giant raping robot. That would scare me.

Keep an eye out for the commercial.

Blog News

I've noticed an interesting trend I'd like to share with my three faithful readers.

In the past couple of weeks I've had new visitors from all over the country, Canada and United Kingdom. They were all looking for a way to embarrass someone. My blog "The Best Way To Embarrass Someone" pops up. Who knows if they actually read it.

My question is why does the month of December increase the need to embarrass someone? Are people looking to traumatize family members or what? Maybe it's college students with too much vacation time on their hands. Either way, I think my blog has a great way to embarrass someone.

One new visitor found my "Butt Sweat" blog by googling "stinky butt sweat". Why he was using google to look up "stinky butt sweat" is a whole another set of questions.

Think Positive

I'm feeling upbeat today, so I thought I'd write something positive.

If you're having a crappy day remember what you have to be grateful for. You have a place to live, you have food to eat, and you have people who care about you. There really is nothing more you need. Everything else is extra.

Watch out for my blog when I'm feeling depressed. It'll probably be titled, "Why You Should Shoot Yourself In The Face".

Biological Attack!

I went to take a piss today and the urinal had about twenty pubic hairs around the rim. It was so much that it was impossible that they could have fallen out by themselves. This person had to have pulled them out and sprinkled them around the rim of the urinal.

It is possible, I guess, that they had fallen out. But this guy would have to have had a pubic hair bush the size of a basketball and scratched this bush like he had crabs to get the pubic hair shower that occurred.

This guy should have trimmed his pubes, like me. I hated seeing pubes lying on my bathroom floor.

I don't trim it too short, though. There still needs to be some mystery.

Shampoo Conspiracy

At the risk of sounding like a little girl on her period, there is a shampoo conspiracy going on. Every time I buy shampoo and conditioner in separate bottles there is always one that finishes before the other. I make sure to get the same amount, keeping consistency in mind, every time. Yet, somehow, one is always empty before the other.

I know those bastards do it on purpose. They just want to mess with people.

I'm going to perform some more studies and I'll let you know what I find.

Albert Einstein or Marilyn Monroe Illusion

I stumbled upon this. It's kinda cool.

http://jimspages.com/AEorMM.htm

Life Should Be Like Cartoons

I was in an elevator the other day when, all of a sudden, it smelt like expired pepperoni mixed with broccoli. Of course, no one is going to fess up to the deed. This is why life should be more like cartoons. If someone farts, you see a little puff of air from their butt. You can't hide that.

If something stinks you would see stink lines above it. If someone is running fast you would see some speed lines behind them. When someone became really angry, steam would shoot out of their ears.

I need to stop watching cartoons.

Liars

Why do people lie? It's annoying.

I told some co-workers about a crap I had just taken. I was telling them how much crap I actually crapped. It was at least two pounds.

Anyway, my crap isn't the point of the story. It was their reaction.

One said, "Gross, you look at it?". Of course I look at my crap. Why wouldn't I? There could be a crazy big tape worm crawling around and in between my poop. If I didn't look, I would never know that tape worm was there, laying it's tape worm eggs in my intestines.

I asked them if they looked at their poop and they said no. They don't look when they flush.

Bullshit.

You have to look. If you don't look you won't know if everything has been flushed. The last thing you want to do is leave some floaters in the toilet. Floaters are gross.

I know they look at their poop. They shouldn't be ashamed. They should be proud of what they made.

People shouldn't lie.

6th Street

I haven't been to 6th St. in a while. I went during the Thanksgiving holiday and came to a realization.

6th St. is crazy.

I can see how I've once been choked there and physical thrown out of bars on more than one occasion.

Thankfully, I was more responsible this time and did not vomit or pass out anywhere. I'm so mature.

New Slang (2)

"Mother of Moses" sucks.

I tried it out today and it sucks.

Stay with "Jesus Christ".

New Slang

I feel like using "Jesus Christ" when you're upset or surprised is played out. Instead, people should start saying "Mother of Moses". I think it's funnier and sounds better because of the alliteration.

Example. - On the way home from work tonight I almost ran over a dog with my bicycle. After I was able to barely dodge him, I exhaled and said, "Mother of Moses. I almost killed that little bastard."

Not too shabby.

My Thanksgiving Drawing

Enjoy Your Life

Every once in a while you are reminded of how quickly you can cease to be.

One of my supervisors at work was in a car accident on his way home from work this past Friday. He was hit by someone who ran a red light. His car rolled four times and he was unable to get out of the car until someone broke his window to pull him out. Thankfully, he was alright and released from the hospital the same night.

These occurrences serve as a reminder. A reminder to everyone who forgets how short life is. You never know when your time's up. Enjoy your life and get the most out of everyday.

I do. I masturbate twice a day, everyday. Four if I'm lucky.

Funny Thing I heard

There was a commercial for a news segment about garage sales. Their tag line:

"How to get the most cash for your garage sale trash."

Other People's Secrets

I had a friend who once told me that he shampooed his pubic hair.

I was reminded of this the other day when I was braiding mine.

Oral Cancer

I went to the dentist yesterday and they gave me a piece of paper with information about Oral Cancer. It explained the people at risk of getting Oral Cancer and what you can do to counteract the cancer. You can buy a mouthwash that fights Oral Cancer and it only costs $60.

As I was reading it, the dental hygienist told me that my insurance may, or may not, cover it. So, if I really want to fight Oral Cancer it might cost me $60 out of my own pocket. I did not agree to this, and I'll tell you why.

Their explanation of the people at risk for Oral Cancer was ridiculous. They had a three stage tier, from high to higher to highest. It went something like this:

High Risk: age 18-39 - sexually active (HPV)
Higher Risk: age 40-44 - use tobacco
Highest Risk: age 45-above - use tobacco

The last two are understandable, but the first one is what is ridiculous. If you are 18-39 and sexually active you are risk for oral cancer.

That is everyone.

Well, I guess only people who have HPV or sleep with people who have HPV. Don't be a slut and your at risk percentage will drop.

Notice how they put sexually active first and HPV last, in parenthesis. I bet they hope all you read is the sexually active part. They're trying to scare people.

I don't appreciate the dentist trying to scare me into buying a $60 mouthwash.

I went ahead and did some quick research about Oral Cancer, out of curiosity. It turns out that the connection between Oral Cancer and HPV has only recently been found. They don't even know how it causes the cancer, but I don't care.

I was right. I was right not to buy the $60 mouthwash.

Now, I just have to avoid sleeping with a girl that has HPV. That shouldn't be hard since I don't get much action anyway.

If you're curious about Oral Cancer:

http://www.mdanderson.org/diseases/oralcancer/display.cfm?id=c8c43ca7-4ed9-4fdc-ad723f8f53baab01&method=displayfull

Marriage

I wish more people thought about the ones they want to marry. Love hits you hard and that's understandable, but you shouldn't run into marriage. If that were the case, then I would've been married twice and had four kids by now.

It is so clear when people can work together and when they can't. People need to be better friends. Tell your friend, who is blinded by love, that they are retarded. Tell them it will not ever work and they are wasting their precious life.

I guarantee it will happen to you or one of your friends in your lifetime, if it hasn't already.

On the bright side, there is nothing better than two people who are willing to deal with each other indefinitely, even when love ends. This doesn't mean they've broken up, just that love ends. It's a scientific fact. The feeling of love lasts two years, after that, you stay because you truly enjoy the company of the other person.

Anyway, that's enough emotion for a month.

Playstation 3

I bought a Playstation 3 this past Thursday. It has taken up most of my days. From playing bad ass video games to watching movies in BluRay, it is all consuming.

I haven't even thought about writing in my blog. It's kind of sad. The Playstation 3 has stolen my brain and, probably, my soul.

My Playstation is calling, I have to go.

One day I'll be back.

Bye.

Bump On My Testicle Story

When I was nineteen, I found a bump on my testicle. It was my left one, to be exact. I was a little freaked out. I told my mom, who is a nurse, because I wasn’t sure if I should see a doctor. She said to make a doctor appointment and, thankfully, did not ask to exam my testicle herself.

When I was in the waiting room at the doctor’s office I was dreading what was about to happen. I would have to tell the doctor I have a bump on my left ball and he would have to grab it. At nineteen, I had barely had one girl grab my balls. Imagine the awkwardness I felt that a fifty year old man was about to grab my ball.

I was sitting inside the exam room and the doctor came in and sat down. We did the normal pleasantries. He asked me how I was doing and all that jazz. He then got to the point.

“So, why are you here?” he asked.
“Well, I have a bump on my testicle” I responded.
“Okay”, he stood up, ”Pull down your pants and I’ll take a look.”

As I started to pull my pants down, I died a little on the inside. I felt cheap and used. Once I got my pants down and stood up straight, I could feel my junk dangling and a slight breeze. Maybe the air condition was on.

“Which one is it?” the doctor asked.
“The left one” I said, trying not to make eye contact. He reached down and felt it for a few seconds. He looked at me and said, “I don’t feel anything”.
“What?” I said, a little shocked. I know I felt a bump. I didn’t imagine it. “Are you sure?”
“You want me to look again?” the doctor asked.
“Yeah, I know I felt a bump” I said with full confidence. He checked again.
“I don’t feel anything,” he said again.
“Really?” I started feeling my ball in front of him. I found what I thought was the bump and said, “Try again. It’s right here”. He gave me a look that I didn’t really understand and he tried again.
“I feel what you’re talking about. That isn’t a bump,” he said.

I asked him what it was and he gave me a clear explanation. To this day, I do not remember what he told me because, during his explanation, I had realized what I had done. I had insisted that he grab my testicle more than he should have. That was what the look he gave me meant. The look said, ”Really? You want me to grab your ball again?”

I left with an unbearable feeling of embarrassment. I was so sure there was a bump on my testicle that it blinded me. I didn’t see how I was forcing the doctor to repeatedly touch my testicle, something that he probably wasn’t comfortable with either.

Oh well, it’s a funny story.

Chromeo

I don't like 80's music, but for some reason I like Chromeo. I came across them yesterday and their music made me laugh so much. It sounded more 80's than actual 80's music.

Their music reminds of the cheesy Nintendo games I used to play and the cheesy 80's movies I used to watch. Plus, it doesn't hurt that the beats are catchy.

Their first album, "She's In Control", is pretty good, but their second, "Fancy Footwork", is the ultimate example of the 80's.

If you like 80's music, check out Chromeo - "Fancy Footwork".

Joey Secret (4)

I did not vote.

The first person who asked me if I have voted became very upset when I said I had not. They then began to lecture me.

After that, when someone asked if I had voted I lied and said I had.

I don't like being lectured.

Hybrids

Everyone should want to make Hybrids (mix race kids). I know it’s hard when love hits you and you’re the same race, but don’t be afraid to mix it up.

Making Hybrids is better for the world. It makes the gene pool bigger and more diverse. Say, for example, lung cancer is more prevalent in white people. A white person having kids with another white person is going to create a baby whose chances of getting lung cancer are much higher than if a white person had a kid with a black person.

Plus, more often than not, the kids are better looking than same race kids. Everyone wants a good-looking kid, right?

They also have more opportunities when it comes to scholarships for college. If the kid is half Hispanic and half African American, he can apply for scholarships for both races. It doubles their chances to get free money for school.

Some of the best athletes are Hybrids. Derek Jeter and Tiger Woods are a couple of the biggest names in sports.

Now, the president elect is a Hybrid. People are always calling African American, but they should call him a Hybrid. He’s going to be the first Hybrid president.

I’ve given you genetic, superficial and financial reasons for Hybrids. It’s up to you now. Try and mix it up. I know it can be hard, though.

There are still a lot of old fashion families. Asians, for example, are notorious for not wanting to mix it up. Just remember, love is blind. Don’t let race get in the way of some loving.

What's Wrong With Hispanic/Latino?

I came across the Yahoo Personals while online and decided to see what kind of ladies where on the market, since I was recently dumped. Every time I looked at the profile of a good-looking lady she only wanted a white man. The only ladies that I found attractive were either white or asian. This doesn't mean I just like white and asian, they just had good pictures. I love all ladies. I don't discriminate. That's why I don't understand why they only want a white man.

How did the brown people get such a bad wrap? Do people really think that less of us? I might not be the best example, but there are good brown people out there.

There was one asian lady who chose every single race except Hispanic/Latino. I think she even chose Eskimo and Midget.

People should want to mix races. This convinces me that my next blog should be about Hybrids (mix race kids), especially with Obama winning the presidency.

Hey Joey Question (2)

I received a new Hey Joey question. I did not make this one up. Someone, actually, submitted a question. Learn from this person and do the same. I know you people are creative. Don’t be afraid. Read it and love it:

“Hey Joey,

I have a problem and I think you could help. I work with this guy and I’m not sure if I should ask him out or not. I think his mom would like us to date. Well, the problem is:
1. I don't think he's that funny
2. Well, I think he's Iranian
Now I’m not racist but that's pushing it. I mean Iranian, come on, what with the war and all. So my question is, should I just have a lot of meaningless sex with him and then try to get him fired or should I just deport him? Oh yeah, by the way, I think his mom is really hot.

Sincerely,
Tammy Lou Hicks Whitington”

Tammy Lou, that is quite the predicament.

Just to let you know, the fact that you’re thinking of asking him out is pretty impressive. I’ve always admired girls with balls (figurative balls).

You can’t do anything about him not being funny. Some people are just funny than others. As for your Iranian reason, I don’t know where you’ve been. We are not at war with or in Iran. We are at war in Iraq and Afghanistan. Read a newspaper Tammy Lou.

Anyway, back to your question. It sounds like you want to use and abuse him or just abuse him.

I don’t think deportation is an option. If you thought we were at war with Iran chances are this guy is not only legal, he’s probably Irish.

If you want to bang him and get him fired, go ahead. You should also contract some herpes. So, not only will he be fired, but his piss will also be on fire. Herpes is the gift that keeps on giving.

I would tell you contract some HIV, but people shouldn’t die because they’re not funny. Or should they?

It also sounds as if you like the mom more. Try and bang her.

Joey has spoken.

THANK YOU!

My blog has been visited over 110 times in 23 days.

About 5 times a day someone reads my blog. Not too shabby.

If I ever see you beautiful bastards in the real world, I'll buy you a beer. Then, I'll let you buy me a beer.

Remember to tell your friends and spread my blog like herpes in high school.

Thanks. You're making my head swell.

New Schedule For Blog Posts

I'm tired of writing everyday. I will now only have new stuff on Tues and Thurs.

This message is for the two people who actually read my blog.

My Dirty Limerick

I had a rough weekend and have been really lazy. I'm just going to post a limerick I wrote a few years ago.

If you don't know what a limerick is, it is a short, five line, rhyming verse where the first, second and fifth line rhyme and the third and fourth line rhyme. The third and fourth line are also shorter than the others.

Enjoy.

"I was horny so I bought a slut,
Who for a woman seemed rather cut.
She was covered with hair
And I soon was aware
She had her penis tucked under her butt."

Asian Lady

I had just finished taking a piss at work and started walking back to the lab. As I was walking back I saw an Asian lady walking towards me. She was an older lady, maybe in her mid forty's, she was slim and looked like she had a nice body. She had on gym pants that were a little tight, tight enough to see her camel toe. After glancing at her toe of camel, I walked a little slower so I could check out her ass when she passed. She passed by and I looked. I saw something pretty interesting. Her gym pants were baggy on her ass.

How can she have camel toe in the front and have so much room in the ass?

Her stomach has to be bigger than her ass, right? That's just sad.

As I lover of women with juicy asses, I found this to be terribly disturbing. There should never be a slim woman whose stomach is bigger than her ass. Never. Ass should always win.

It was very shocking. It's almost as if her ass was concave.

I went from the toe of camel to the sunken flat lands of the ass.

As disappointed as I was, I'd still bang her. But, that's not saying much.

Joey Secret (3)

When I was fifteen I masturbated eight times in one day. By the eighth time there was no ejaculate. All that came out was a cloud of sperm powder.

My penis then fell off.

A Bad Thing About Work

My job isn't too bad. It can get boring, but that's any job. Anyway, one thing that really bothers me is that I can't talk like I normally do. This includes occasionally using the F-word and the S-word, a couple of my favorites. People don't mind sons of bitches for some reason.

I have to watch my mouth all day and that sucks.

I also like to say vagina. It's not a bad word, but an all around funny word. It is also more funny than any other word for female genitalia. On second thought, flower and coochie are also pretty funny.

You'd think I wouldn't have enough reasons to say the word vagina at work, but there are. A lot of people complain. A lot of guys complain. When I hear guys complaining, my initial response is to tell them to shut their vagina hole (Guys don't have vaginas and that's why its funny). It actually works pretty well. You insult them with a slice of humor. The humor lessens the impact of the insult.

There are a lot of old ladies at my work and if they heard me running around (Cause I run around at work) telling people to shut their vagina holes, they would either get offended or listen and cross their legs.

Showering Daily

For most of my life my shower schedule was the same. I would shower every other day. I know this sounds kind of gross, but I did make exceptions. The days I sweat I would shower, and the days I didn't sweat I would wait till the next day to shower. I never stunk of B.O. or unwashed ass, just in case you were wondering.

My new job is really close to my apartment, so I ride my bike to work. That means I sweat everyday, which means, you guessed it, I shower everyday. I have to tell you. I've never felt cleaner. I guess I was so used to being dirty that I had forgotten how it felt to be clean. It's nice to feel fresh everyday.

If you don't shower everyday, you need to. It actually helps your skin too. My skin used to be a dark, caca brown and now it's a beautiful bronze.

Commercials(1)

Some commercials are funny. More of them are not. Some don't make any sense, which is the case for a particular Airwick commercial.

Its a commercial where a female elephant talks about how well Airwick products work because her husband stinks. At the end of the commercial you find out she is married to a centipede.

A centipede.

Elephants do not "get it on" with centipedes. I understand this commercial involves a talking elephant, but an elephant marrying a centipede is too much of a stretch. They wouldn't be able to reproduce. One is a mammal and one is an insect. Mammals do not "get it on" with insects. The only way they could mate was if the centipede crawled up her butt and put his sperm into her eggs. Either way, it doesn't matter because if they somehow "got it on" the baby wouldn't be viable because they have a different amount of chromosomes (Yes, I put this much thought into it).

If there were giant insects, they wouldn't marry elephants, they would eat them.

But, remember they can talk. This means they probably hit it off when they were at a university in Africa. They were probably at kegger and the centipede won over the elephant with his amazing fifty arm massage (he needs the other fifty to stand).

Anyway, I think Airwick figured it out. All the Airwick commercials I've seen since then have not shown the husband.

Just for the record, I have a problem with mammals marrying insects. I fully support the creation of hybrids (mix race kids), and you will hear about it in an upcoming blog.

Hey Joey Question(1)

I've received about .4 questions. That's right, not even one full question. Anyway, there was someone willing to participate. Here is the question:

"Hey Joey,

I have a huge problem! I just lost my job and was forced to move in with my parents, which is hardly the problem. The problem is that I have two beautiful pets, a Golden Retriever named Dolly and a tabby named Parton, which, my parents hate with a passion. They agreed to let them stay there but refuse to help with them at all.

To top it off, my cute little Parton has just been diagnosed with cat leukemia and and I can barely afford to feed Dolly's big appetite. How can I pay for Parton's medicine and Dolly's food without my parents help?

Animal Lover, Texas"

Well, I can tell you the obvious. Get a job. Get off your, lazy, animal loving ass and get job.

If you're having a tough time finding a job, a problem I know all about, I have another solution. Cats diagnosed with leukemia generally don't live much longer, even with the expensive medicine. It also costs a pretty penny to put an animal to sleep. So, here is what you can do.

I want you fill your tub with water, then get your cat and drown it. You might want to wear some gloves because little Parton will scratch. It shouldn't take that long to drown him/her. Once Parton has successfully been drowned, take its body and put it in a large pot, which already has boiling water in it. The boiling water makes it very easy to remove the fur. You need to remove the fur because you are going to cook Parton. The reason you're cooking Parton is so you can feed it to Dolly.

You will save money by not paying for medicine or euthanasia and by not having to use any dog food for a couple of days. This solves your problem and your half of your parents problem.

Damn, I'm so smart.

Joey Secret(2)

I was on my period when I wrote about the Kansas football coach.

This is my formal apology for my unjustified hatred.

I'm sorry Kansas football coach. You still need to lose weight, though.

Best Way To Embarrass Someone

During one of my ten daily visits to the restroom, I came across the best way to embarrass someone.

I walked into my restroom, sat on the toilet and let out a fart that lasted at least thirty seconds. During this fart I began to pick my nose. I was farting and picking my nose at the same time. It was at this time when I realized how embarrassed I would be if someone had hid a video camera in the restroom.

So, if you really want to embarrass someone, videotape then sitting on a toilet, farting and picking their nose at the same time.

Kansas Jayhawks Football Coach

I'm watching the Texas Tech-Kansas game right now and can not believe how FAT the Kansas coach is. It's pretty damn disgusting.

You'd think a head coach wouldn't let himself go like that. What kind of message is he sending. I, personally, could not be motivated by someone who needs an oxygen tank just to walk back to the locker room for halftime.

He is so fat.

He is so fat, his sunglasses look as though they could not be removed from his head because they sunk into his fat face.

Fat.

A Good Thing About Old Ladies

Old ladies get really impressed with simple feats of strength. I have heard comedians talk about it and it was funny, but now I know its true.

A work printer was out of paper so I carried about 6 packs of paper to the printer and an old lady I work with was so amazed by this that she almost fainted. She couldn't believe how strong I was.

Silly old lady making me feel strong.

Butt Sweat

I was trying to close a window at work that had become stuck, somehow. By the time I finally unstuck the window and was able to close it, I had exerted a nice amount of energy. This is when I noticed something unusual. I wasn't sweating anywhere but my butt.

I was kind of worried that maybe I had exerted too much energy and a little bit of feces came out. I didn't smell any crap, though. Either way, I had to play it safe. I went to the restroom and successfully confirmed that it was, indeed, sweat and not feces. I was happy I had not soiled myself, but still bothered that the only place I sweat was my butt.

How is this possible? Was I clenching my butt cheeks together so hard that it created the right atmosphere for "The Perfect Butt Sweat"?

Forget the other questions. Why DOES your butt sweat? I don't think my cheeks need lubrication. When my butt cheeks are dry, they don't chafe when I walk. The only use lubrication could provide is to assist with crapping. It'll help the poop slide right out, or, on the other hand, help stuff slide right in. It all depends your preferences. Some people like stuff up their butt.

Anyway, I see no need for butt sweat.  I might even prefer extra ball sweat instead of butt sweat.  Nevermind, I don't want my junk to stink.

Dogs don't sweat at all. I wouldn't mind panting for awhile to keep my butt from sweating.

On second thought, that would suck. Everyone would know that your butt was hot if you started panting. At least now, your butt sweats in private.

Maybe, one day, humans will evolve past butt sweating, but until then we just have to deal with it.

Hell, my butt is sweating as I type this last sentence. And also this fragmented sentence.

Unexpected Surprise on 10/21/08

It was a cool Tuesday morning, about 11am. I had just finished jogging a couple of miles and was heading back to my place to eat some lunch. After preparing a gourmet meal, a ham and cheese sandwich, I wanted to relax a bit before jumping into the shower. I watched some TV and read some news on the internet.

It was about an hour before work, around 1pm, when I decided I'd go take a shower. I got my fresh pair of underwear and fresh towel, ready to clean the stink from my body. When I turned the shower on, it did not turn on. No water came out. I then tried my bathroom sink. Nothing. No water. I tried my kitchen sink. Again, no damn water. Why didn't my apartment complex warn me they were going to turn off the water? All they had to do was put a little note on my door. Sons of bitches.

I started weighing my possibilities. There wasn't enough time to go somewhere and shower, so that wouldn't work. I could try to shower at work, but, I'd get fired. I had to start thinking outside the box, or, what's in a box.

I had a 24 pack of Ozarka water. I could stand in the tub and pour the water over myself, but why waste good water on my stinky body. I was getting desperate so I tried the water again. Nothing. Pissed off, I turned the knob as far as it could go. A little bit of water started coming out. There was hope.

Even though there was water, it wasn't enough to clean my body, but maybe my hair. I was right. It took about five minutes to wash my hair, a long time considering I don't have a lot of hair, but it was clean. Happy to have a fresh smelling head, the problem of my dirty body still remained. I thought about it for, maybe, a minute and forty five seconds more.

I knew what to do. I had a package of Wet Ones in my back pack. This was my only option. That's right folks, I cleaned myself with Wet Ones. And, to be truthful, they didn't work very well. It felt like the filth was moved to different parts of my body and not removed. Pretty nasty feeling. On the bright side, the Wet Ones had a clean citrus scent. So I might have been a dirty, dirty man, but I smelt of freshly cut oranges.

Joey Secret (1)

Sometimes, when I feel real lazy, I sit down to pee.

Mountain Dew Story

This is an old story. An Oldie but a Goodie.

When I was in college there was a girl in my Physics class I thought was cute, so I asked her if she wanted to study sometime. She agreed and we decided to meet the next day.

The next day I was pretty tired, so before we met I bought a Mountain Dew. We started studying and I started drinking the Mountain Dew. At this time in my life I did not drink a lot of caffeine, and I could actually feel myself becoming more hyperactive. I thought this was pretty amazing, so I shared it with the girl.

"This Mountain Dew is like crack. I can feel myself getting more hyper. They should not be selling crack to kids", I said. Her response was a smile. I continued to talk about the Mountain Dew, probably, for about five more minutes.

A little later I had to go to the restroom. So, I told her, "I have to take a piss. I'll be right back". While I was relieving myself I thought of something that would be very funny to tell her when I got back. The biggest, and only, problem was that I might be the only one who thought it was funny, and there was a good chance she might get offended. I thought about it, then decided that it was too funny not to say.

I got back to the table where we were studying, sat down and said, "You'll never believe what just happened."
"What?", she said, clearly interested.
Happy to see I had her complete attention, I said, "I could have sworn I heard my penis say something to me." Her first, split second reaction, was as if I had actually taken my penis out and started wagging it around.

After getting her face under control, she said, "What?"
"I could have sworn I heard my penis say," then in my loudest whisper voice, "Do The Dew". Once she realized that it was, in fact, a joke, and not just a scary brown guy whose penis talks to him, she started to to laugh.

I think she would have laughed more had I not traumatized her with my penis talk.

Hey Joey!

I figured if I'm going to give relationship advice, I should give all other types of advice, too.  I'm going to try a "Dear Abby" type thing except it's a "Hey Joey!" type thing.  The main difference will be that the advice is coming from a short brown man instead of an old white lady (and maybe the quality of advice).

If you have any questions for me (assuming people read this stuff), my email is is located on the right in my profile.  Email me questions about ANYTHING?  I'm here to help.

You're also helping me because I would eventually run out of stories, and nobody wants that.  

So, to anybody who reads this stuff, send me questions about ANYTHING.  I will answer to the best of my abilities.  My email is in my profile.

Argument Advice

I not only talk about dirty stuff, but I also give relationship advice.  

This particular advice is more for guys than ladies, even though the ladies are just as capable as making the same mistake.

This is advice is for the times you happen to be driving with your significant other.  It's never safe to drive when you're angry, but sometimes its unavoidable.

When you are so angry you begin yelling while you are driving, you have already exceeded the limits of your patience.  You become so angry you take a stroll down "Irrational Lane".  It's at this point where you begin to make silly mistakes, like, for example, flooring it.  I floored it once, to show how angry I was, and it didn't quite work out.  

I have a 2000 Nissan Sentra, a car not well known for it's blinding speed.  I floored it, complete with the exaggerated motion of slamming my foot on the gas pedal, to prove just how angry I really was.  About three minutes later my car finally started to speed up.  Realizing how pathetic this little stunt was, I took my foot off the gas and drove the rest of the way in shame.  

The lesson here, Ladies and Gentleman, is that if you're going to floor it in a fit of anger, make sure you have a fast car.

Boogers At The Urinal

Ladies, I don’t know if you have the same problem in the restrooms, but there is an epidemic going on in the men’s restroom. At every urinal there are boogers on the wall.

Maybe for the ladies the boogers are on the stall, but for men the boogers are everywhere, especially the walls of the urinals.

I have a theory for why this is occurring and it goes something like this:
Guys have to mark their territory. They piss in the urinal and it gets washed away. Knowing this, they have to leave their mark in another way. This mark is BOOGERS.

When I take a piss I see a collection of boogers, each bigger than the next. My plan is to top them all, I am a Man (some say that). I am going to beat their boogers with the ultimate mark. I am going to rub my poop on the wall.

This will keep the lower class of men from putting boogers on the wall and keep intimidated men out of the restroom.

I deserve a private dump every now and then.

Old People

I don't like old people. 

They walk slow, drive slow, talk slow, think slow, and are always trying to lecture you.

But, you have to respect them because they are old and have lived a life longer than yours, right? WRONG!

If you're going to give the elderly respect, give it to them for the right reasons. I respect old people who just don't care anymore. They don't care who they offend or what people think of them. The ones who talk crap about the people sitting next to you in a restaurant with no effort of trying to lower their voice.

Now, this doesn't mean I like old people, I just respect the ones with that type of attitude. Plus, more likely than not the old folks with that attitude are pretty damn funny.

I understand one day I will be an old person (maybe. I think I'll die before then), but this undeniable fact will not sway me. No one wants to be an old person. Who wants to have no control of their bowel movements? Who wants to be treated like a child when they are old enough to see their children's children have children? I sure as hell don't.

If, by some miracle, I manage to make it to my eighties, I will shoot myself in the face.

I guess that's a little much. I'll just do what the grandpa in "Little Miss Sunshine" did.

A Friendly Warning

Watch out for Bananas!

I know they're a good source of potassium and monkeys like them, but don't let them fool you. Bananas cause some severe diarrhea. It might just be me, but I don't think so. I'm not afraid to speak up. Bananas did me wrong. 

Toilet paper wasn't enough to clean the mess caused by those delicious bastards. I had to use a bath towel to clean myself and felt so filthy afterward, I had to jump from the toilet directly into the shower. 

Now, yours may not be as severe as mine and, for your sake and the sake of your family, I hope it isn't. Just eat them with caution.

Heed my warning. Those potassium rich sons of bitches can, and will, create a brown waterfall from your bottom's hole.