A Bad Thing About Work

My job isn't too bad. It can get boring, but that's any job. Anyway, one thing that really bothers me is that I can't talk like I normally do. This includes occasionally using the F-word and the S-word, a couple of my favorites. People don't mind sons of bitches for some reason.

I have to watch my mouth all day and that sucks.

I also like to say vagina. It's not a bad word, but an all around funny word. It is also more funny than any other word for female genitalia. On second thought, flower and coochie are also pretty funny.

You'd think I wouldn't have enough reasons to say the word vagina at work, but there are. A lot of people complain. A lot of guys complain. When I hear guys complaining, my initial response is to tell them to shut their vagina hole (Guys don't have vaginas and that's why its funny). It actually works pretty well. You insult them with a slice of humor. The humor lessens the impact of the insult.

There are a lot of old ladies at my work and if they heard me running around (Cause I run around at work) telling people to shut their vagina holes, they would either get offended or listen and cross their legs.

Showering Daily

For most of my life my shower schedule was the same. I would shower every other day. I know this sounds kind of gross, but I did make exceptions. The days I sweat I would shower, and the days I didn't sweat I would wait till the next day to shower. I never stunk of B.O. or unwashed ass, just in case you were wondering.

My new job is really close to my apartment, so I ride my bike to work. That means I sweat everyday, which means, you guessed it, I shower everyday. I have to tell you. I've never felt cleaner. I guess I was so used to being dirty that I had forgotten how it felt to be clean. It's nice to feel fresh everyday.

If you don't shower everyday, you need to. It actually helps your skin too. My skin used to be a dark, caca brown and now it's a beautiful bronze.

Commercials(1)

Some commercials are funny. More of them are not. Some don't make any sense, which is the case for a particular Airwick commercial.

Its a commercial where a female elephant talks about how well Airwick products work because her husband stinks. At the end of the commercial you find out she is married to a centipede.

A centipede.

Elephants do not "get it on" with centipedes. I understand this commercial involves a talking elephant, but an elephant marrying a centipede is too much of a stretch. They wouldn't be able to reproduce. One is a mammal and one is an insect. Mammals do not "get it on" with insects. The only way they could mate was if the centipede crawled up her butt and put his sperm into her eggs. Either way, it doesn't matter because if they somehow "got it on" the baby wouldn't be viable because they have a different amount of chromosomes (Yes, I put this much thought into it).

If there were giant insects, they wouldn't marry elephants, they would eat them.

But, remember they can talk. This means they probably hit it off when they were at a university in Africa. They were probably at kegger and the centipede won over the elephant with his amazing fifty arm massage (he needs the other fifty to stand).

Anyway, I think Airwick figured it out. All the Airwick commercials I've seen since then have not shown the husband.

Just for the record, I have a problem with mammals marrying insects. I fully support the creation of hybrids (mix race kids), and you will hear about it in an upcoming blog.

Hey Joey Question(1)

I've received about .4 questions. That's right, not even one full question. Anyway, there was someone willing to participate. Here is the question:

"Hey Joey,

I have a huge problem! I just lost my job and was forced to move in with my parents, which is hardly the problem. The problem is that I have two beautiful pets, a Golden Retriever named Dolly and a tabby named Parton, which, my parents hate with a passion. They agreed to let them stay there but refuse to help with them at all.

To top it off, my cute little Parton has just been diagnosed with cat leukemia and and I can barely afford to feed Dolly's big appetite. How can I pay for Parton's medicine and Dolly's food without my parents help?

Animal Lover, Texas"

Well, I can tell you the obvious. Get a job. Get off your, lazy, animal loving ass and get job.

If you're having a tough time finding a job, a problem I know all about, I have another solution. Cats diagnosed with leukemia generally don't live much longer, even with the expensive medicine. It also costs a pretty penny to put an animal to sleep. So, here is what you can do.

I want you fill your tub with water, then get your cat and drown it. You might want to wear some gloves because little Parton will scratch. It shouldn't take that long to drown him/her. Once Parton has successfully been drowned, take its body and put it in a large pot, which already has boiling water in it. The boiling water makes it very easy to remove the fur. You need to remove the fur because you are going to cook Parton. The reason you're cooking Parton is so you can feed it to Dolly.

You will save money by not paying for medicine or euthanasia and by not having to use any dog food for a couple of days. This solves your problem and your half of your parents problem.

Damn, I'm so smart.

Joey Secret(2)

I was on my period when I wrote about the Kansas football coach.

This is my formal apology for my unjustified hatred.

I'm sorry Kansas football coach. You still need to lose weight, though.

Best Way To Embarrass Someone

During one of my ten daily visits to the restroom, I came across the best way to embarrass someone.

I walked into my restroom, sat on the toilet and let out a fart that lasted at least thirty seconds. During this fart I began to pick my nose. I was farting and picking my nose at the same time. It was at this time when I realized how embarrassed I would be if someone had hid a video camera in the restroom.

So, if you really want to embarrass someone, videotape then sitting on a toilet, farting and picking their nose at the same time.

Kansas Jayhawks Football Coach

I'm watching the Texas Tech-Kansas game right now and can not believe how FAT the Kansas coach is. It's pretty damn disgusting.

You'd think a head coach wouldn't let himself go like that. What kind of message is he sending. I, personally, could not be motivated by someone who needs an oxygen tank just to walk back to the locker room for halftime.

He is so fat.

He is so fat, his sunglasses look as though they could not be removed from his head because they sunk into his fat face.

Fat.

A Good Thing About Old Ladies

Old ladies get really impressed with simple feats of strength. I have heard comedians talk about it and it was funny, but now I know its true.

A work printer was out of paper so I carried about 6 packs of paper to the printer and an old lady I work with was so amazed by this that she almost fainted. She couldn't believe how strong I was.

Silly old lady making me feel strong.

Butt Sweat

I was trying to close a window at work that had become stuck, somehow. By the time I finally unstuck the window and was able to close it, I had exerted a nice amount of energy. This is when I noticed something unusual. I wasn't sweating anywhere but my butt.

I was kind of worried that maybe I had exerted too much energy and a little bit of feces came out. I didn't smell any crap, though. Either way, I had to play it safe. I went to the restroom and successfully confirmed that it was, indeed, sweat and not feces. I was happy I had not soiled myself, but still bothered that the only place I sweat was my butt.

How is this possible? Was I clenching my butt cheeks together so hard that it created the right atmosphere for "The Perfect Butt Sweat"?

Forget the other questions. Why DOES your butt sweat? I don't think my cheeks need lubrication. When my butt cheeks are dry, they don't chafe when I walk. The only use lubrication could provide is to assist with crapping. It'll help the poop slide right out, or, on the other hand, help stuff slide right in. It all depends your preferences. Some people like stuff up their butt.

Anyway, I see no need for butt sweat.  I might even prefer extra ball sweat instead of butt sweat.  Nevermind, I don't want my junk to stink.

Dogs don't sweat at all. I wouldn't mind panting for awhile to keep my butt from sweating.

On second thought, that would suck. Everyone would know that your butt was hot if you started panting. At least now, your butt sweats in private.

Maybe, one day, humans will evolve past butt sweating, but until then we just have to deal with it.

Hell, my butt is sweating as I type this last sentence. And also this fragmented sentence.

Unexpected Surprise on 10/21/08

It was a cool Tuesday morning, about 11am. I had just finished jogging a couple of miles and was heading back to my place to eat some lunch. After preparing a gourmet meal, a ham and cheese sandwich, I wanted to relax a bit before jumping into the shower. I watched some TV and read some news on the internet.

It was about an hour before work, around 1pm, when I decided I'd go take a shower. I got my fresh pair of underwear and fresh towel, ready to clean the stink from my body. When I turned the shower on, it did not turn on. No water came out. I then tried my bathroom sink. Nothing. No water. I tried my kitchen sink. Again, no damn water. Why didn't my apartment complex warn me they were going to turn off the water? All they had to do was put a little note on my door. Sons of bitches.

I started weighing my possibilities. There wasn't enough time to go somewhere and shower, so that wouldn't work. I could try to shower at work, but, I'd get fired. I had to start thinking outside the box, or, what's in a box.

I had a 24 pack of Ozarka water. I could stand in the tub and pour the water over myself, but why waste good water on my stinky body. I was getting desperate so I tried the water again. Nothing. Pissed off, I turned the knob as far as it could go. A little bit of water started coming out. There was hope.

Even though there was water, it wasn't enough to clean my body, but maybe my hair. I was right. It took about five minutes to wash my hair, a long time considering I don't have a lot of hair, but it was clean. Happy to have a fresh smelling head, the problem of my dirty body still remained. I thought about it for, maybe, a minute and forty five seconds more.

I knew what to do. I had a package of Wet Ones in my back pack. This was my only option. That's right folks, I cleaned myself with Wet Ones. And, to be truthful, they didn't work very well. It felt like the filth was moved to different parts of my body and not removed. Pretty nasty feeling. On the bright side, the Wet Ones had a clean citrus scent. So I might have been a dirty, dirty man, but I smelt of freshly cut oranges.

Joey Secret (1)

Sometimes, when I feel real lazy, I sit down to pee.

Mountain Dew Story

This is an old story. An Oldie but a Goodie.

When I was in college there was a girl in my Physics class I thought was cute, so I asked her if she wanted to study sometime. She agreed and we decided to meet the next day.

The next day I was pretty tired, so before we met I bought a Mountain Dew. We started studying and I started drinking the Mountain Dew. At this time in my life I did not drink a lot of caffeine, and I could actually feel myself becoming more hyperactive. I thought this was pretty amazing, so I shared it with the girl.

"This Mountain Dew is like crack. I can feel myself getting more hyper. They should not be selling crack to kids", I said. Her response was a smile. I continued to talk about the Mountain Dew, probably, for about five more minutes.

A little later I had to go to the restroom. So, I told her, "I have to take a piss. I'll be right back". While I was relieving myself I thought of something that would be very funny to tell her when I got back. The biggest, and only, problem was that I might be the only one who thought it was funny, and there was a good chance she might get offended. I thought about it, then decided that it was too funny not to say.

I got back to the table where we were studying, sat down and said, "You'll never believe what just happened."
"What?", she said, clearly interested.
Happy to see I had her complete attention, I said, "I could have sworn I heard my penis say something to me." Her first, split second reaction, was as if I had actually taken my penis out and started wagging it around.

After getting her face under control, she said, "What?"
"I could have sworn I heard my penis say," then in my loudest whisper voice, "Do The Dew". Once she realized that it was, in fact, a joke, and not just a scary brown guy whose penis talks to him, she started to to laugh.

I think she would have laughed more had I not traumatized her with my penis talk.

Hey Joey!

I figured if I'm going to give relationship advice, I should give all other types of advice, too.  I'm going to try a "Dear Abby" type thing except it's a "Hey Joey!" type thing.  The main difference will be that the advice is coming from a short brown man instead of an old white lady (and maybe the quality of advice).

If you have any questions for me (assuming people read this stuff), my email is is located on the right in my profile.  Email me questions about ANYTHING?  I'm here to help.

You're also helping me because I would eventually run out of stories, and nobody wants that.  

So, to anybody who reads this stuff, send me questions about ANYTHING.  I will answer to the best of my abilities.  My email is in my profile.

Argument Advice

I not only talk about dirty stuff, but I also give relationship advice.  

This particular advice is more for guys than ladies, even though the ladies are just as capable as making the same mistake.

This is advice is for the times you happen to be driving with your significant other.  It's never safe to drive when you're angry, but sometimes its unavoidable.

When you are so angry you begin yelling while you are driving, you have already exceeded the limits of your patience.  You become so angry you take a stroll down "Irrational Lane".  It's at this point where you begin to make silly mistakes, like, for example, flooring it.  I floored it once, to show how angry I was, and it didn't quite work out.  

I have a 2000 Nissan Sentra, a car not well known for it's blinding speed.  I floored it, complete with the exaggerated motion of slamming my foot on the gas pedal, to prove just how angry I really was.  About three minutes later my car finally started to speed up.  Realizing how pathetic this little stunt was, I took my foot off the gas and drove the rest of the way in shame.  

The lesson here, Ladies and Gentleman, is that if you're going to floor it in a fit of anger, make sure you have a fast car.

Boogers At The Urinal

Ladies, I don’t know if you have the same problem in the restrooms, but there is an epidemic going on in the men’s restroom. At every urinal there are boogers on the wall.

Maybe for the ladies the boogers are on the stall, but for men the boogers are everywhere, especially the walls of the urinals.

I have a theory for why this is occurring and it goes something like this:
Guys have to mark their territory. They piss in the urinal and it gets washed away. Knowing this, they have to leave their mark in another way. This mark is BOOGERS.

When I take a piss I see a collection of boogers, each bigger than the next. My plan is to top them all, I am a Man (some say that). I am going to beat their boogers with the ultimate mark. I am going to rub my poop on the wall.

This will keep the lower class of men from putting boogers on the wall and keep intimidated men out of the restroom.

I deserve a private dump every now and then.

Old People

I don't like old people. 

They walk slow, drive slow, talk slow, think slow, and are always trying to lecture you.

But, you have to respect them because they are old and have lived a life longer than yours, right? WRONG!

If you're going to give the elderly respect, give it to them for the right reasons. I respect old people who just don't care anymore. They don't care who they offend or what people think of them. The ones who talk crap about the people sitting next to you in a restaurant with no effort of trying to lower their voice.

Now, this doesn't mean I like old people, I just respect the ones with that type of attitude. Plus, more likely than not the old folks with that attitude are pretty damn funny.

I understand one day I will be an old person (maybe. I think I'll die before then), but this undeniable fact will not sway me. No one wants to be an old person. Who wants to have no control of their bowel movements? Who wants to be treated like a child when they are old enough to see their children's children have children? I sure as hell don't.

If, by some miracle, I manage to make it to my eighties, I will shoot myself in the face.

I guess that's a little much. I'll just do what the grandpa in "Little Miss Sunshine" did.

A Friendly Warning

Watch out for Bananas!

I know they're a good source of potassium and monkeys like them, but don't let them fool you. Bananas cause some severe diarrhea. It might just be me, but I don't think so. I'm not afraid to speak up. Bananas did me wrong. 

Toilet paper wasn't enough to clean the mess caused by those delicious bastards. I had to use a bath towel to clean myself and felt so filthy afterward, I had to jump from the toilet directly into the shower. 

Now, yours may not be as severe as mine and, for your sake and the sake of your family, I hope it isn't. Just eat them with caution.

Heed my warning. Those potassium rich sons of bitches can, and will, create a brown waterfall from your bottom's hole.