My Friend's Revelation

I was talking to my friend, during my last visit to Austin, and he told me about his revelation.

"You know, Joey", he started, "A couple of weeks ago I made out with a fat chick and now they(my other friends)are making fun of me. I use to give you a lot of shit for banging fat girls."

Some History:
I went through a period in my life where I would bang any woman who showed the slightest interest in me.

Most of them were big.

Why they wanted my skinny, frail body, I do not know.

"But, you know what?" he continued. "I would have banged that fat girl. I would have enjoyed it. So, sorry I gave you so much shit. I'm just five years behind you."

I thought this was funny and also a little weird. Weird because I felt like, at that moment, I became the spokesperson for banging fat girls, at least for my friends. Am going to have hold seminars now?

If I did, they would be short and sweet. It would be something like this:

"You are all here today because you want to know why I and why YOU should bang fat girls. There's only one reason. They have a wet vagina and they want to share it with you."

Maybe I should hold seminars.

Think Pink

I am starting to become really annoyed at the breast cancer slogan, "Think Pink".

All it does is remind me to think of vagina.

I already think of it enough, I do not need to be reminded.

If "Think Pink" is going to be used as a slogan it should be used by the catholic church when they are trying to turn gay guys straight. They would tell them to "Think Pink, Not Brown".

I say "Not Brown" because butt holes are brown.

Unless they're bleached, of course.

New Sign

This may be old news to some, but a lot kids are fat.

The Real Zodiac Explanations

I was stumbling and found this "real" list. Honestly, there is no reason we should sugar-coat what kind of people we are. But why listen to me? I am a general loser.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb 18) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.

PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20) - You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have a minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general loser.

ARIES (Mar21-Apr 20) - You are the pioneer type and think most people are quick-tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a prick.

TAURUS (Apr 21-May 20) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a communist.

GEMINI (May 21-Jun 20) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

CANCER (Jun 21-Jul 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a penny. Everybody in prison is a Cancer.

LEO (Jul 23-Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you're an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving sods and spend most of their lives kissing mirrors.

VIRGO (Aug 23-Sep 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while having sex. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA (Sep 23-Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21) - The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect S.O.B.. Most Scorpios are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarius' are drunks. You are not worth the time of day.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19) - You are conservative and are afraid of taking risks. You are basically spineless. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Become a monk.

Paintings That Look Like Photographs

I was stumbling and came across this website.

It has paintings that look like photographs (like the title).

It's crazy stuff. Here's an example:






<---This is a painting










Check it out.

http://www.thetoyzone.com/2009/blog/10-awesome-images-that-are-actually-paintings/

Health Care Reform

I usually do not enjoy talking politics, but I just read an article that kinda pissed me off.

It was about how senior citizens are upset about the new health care proposals.

They're angry, and have let the government know this, because they have been paying Medicare payments their whole life and might lose some of those benefits associated with Medicare.

I have some advice for them.

Shut the fuck up.

They should be grateful they are getting any benefits at all. They already get Social Security and Medicare, who knows what else. What more do those greedy bastards want?

By the time my generation and I are senior citizens there won't be shit. We will have been paying Social Security and Medicare our whole life and never see any of those benefits.

The old people need to stop being selfish.

If you see or hear old people complaining about this, I suggest you piss on their foot.

The Time Traveler's Wife

I just saw a preview of this movie on TV. It looks like a love story where the wife has to wait for him because he can't control when he time travels.

What a shitty movie.

Hello? The guy can time travel.

I don't care about the woman who waits for him.

They should focus on the fact that he can TRAVEL THROUGH TIME, instead of the fact that he can fall in love.

Anyone can fall in love. Not everyone can time travel.

They should have called the movie "The Time Traveler's Life" and made it a badass action movie.

Russian Women Are Crazy

I was stumbling and I came across the Moscow news.

Russian women are crazy.

Here are some articles I found, along with the links:

Women Blasts Off Boyfriend's Penis With Firecrackers
http://mosnews.com/weird/2009/05/25/1909/

Russian Woman on Trial for Raping 10 Men
http://mosnews.com/weird/2009/06/18/blackwidow/

Hairdresser Turns Robber Into Sex Slave
http://mosnews.com/society/2009/04/14/1013/

Russian Girl in Intensive Care After Restoring Virginity 6 Times
http://mosnews.com/weird/2009/06/17/virginity/

Chastity "Chaz" Bono

I think its great that she's doing what makes her happy.

I found out last night that she had a girlfriend, though.

Her girlfriend is a lesbian.

She is now man.

Last time I checked, lesbians like vagina and not penis.

The girlfriend might still love Chaz right now, but she is turning into a man. Pretty soon Chaz will be less sensitive, less tender and more of an ass.

I foresee a dim future for the happy couple.

Lesbians don't like men.

It's science.

Horatio Sanz

Horatio Sanz was on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon last night.

He's lost 100 pounds. He looks good.

He is screwed.

He is going to have to start his career all over now because people were used to him being a jolly, funny, fat guy.

Now he is not.

At least he didn't lose his sense of humor along with his fat.

It's harder for fat funny guys who lose weight than any other entertainer who loses weight.

People like funny fat guys.

Zach Galifianaskis & Tim and Eric Show

A great match.

They should have babies.

http://www.adultswim.com/americaloveslists/te_zachgalifianakis/index.html

Maury

I was watching Family Feud when I decided to take a shower. When I got out of the shower Maury was on.

I hate Maury.

All they do is exploit the degenerates of the human race.

Every time I see any part of any Maury show, a piece of my soul dies.

Also, my faith in humanity.

Unused Condoms - Correction

I said I would give my unused condoms to old men in a retirement home so they can bang old ladies. If the condom breaks they don't have to worry about impregnating them because of the old ladies' menopause.

Well, if they don't have to worry about impregnation then why would they use a condom.

I guess there is the fact that STDs are running rampant in grandma and grandpa homes. Old guys, and dirty old ladies, love Viagra.

I could keep the unused condoms and just wear them around. I'd change it everyday, like a sock.

I'd call it a "cock sock".

Actually, I think there really is a sock for your cock.

I just looked it up right now, and according to the Urban Dictionary there are 12 definitions for "cock sock".

Enjoy.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=cock+sock

Unused Condoms

I was cleaning up the other day and came across a handful of condoms. I checked the expiration date and was disappointed to find that they expired last year.

That sucks.

I then thought to myself, "If it sucks for me, then it really must suck for the condoms."

Those condoms had hopes and dreams...and I crushed them.

All they wanted to do was to hang on to a penis and enter a vagina (or wherever you like to stick it). That's all.

If only I had more sex.

I let them down.

I'm sorry, Unused Condoms.

I think I'll give them to some old guys in a retirement home. All those old ladies they bang can't have babies, so it doesn't matter if they break.

I'm really thoughtful.

The Time There Was No Toilet Paper

It was a gloomy, overcast Saturday morning in Houston, TX. A normal Houston morning. I was sitting in a mexican restaurant with my parents and grandfather trying figure out what I wanted with my eggs. My family had come into town the day before for my graduation out of UT MD Anderson. They're good family.

At the time, I was living with my friend, his family and his girlfriend, who was also graduating from UT MD Anderson. We had a big party, for his girlfriend and myself, after the graduation with everybody's family, along with a bunch of food and alcohol. It was fun and I got a little drunk.

It was that night of fun which led to me reading a mexican restaurant menu, looking forward to putting some substance in my stomach.

It also led to the beer shits.

After feeling my stomach bubbling dangerously, I excused myself from the table and walked as fast as I could, without looking too obvious or weird, to the toilet.

When you really have to go, the urge gets stronger the closer you get to the toilet. Well, by the time I reached the toilet I was ready to explode.

After relieving myself, I felt so much better. I took a deep breath to relax and almost vomited. I then flushed the toilet out of courtesy. No one needs to smell that. Looking to clean my butt hole, I started to look for toilet paper. There was no toilet paper (like the title).

I started freaking out a little bit, then began think about my options. This was a single toilet restroom, so I couldn't steal from another. I could see the sink next to me, the soap dispenser, the paper towel holder, an automatic hand dryer, and a rack of books that show apartments for rent. The best option was to use paper towels.

The paper towel holder was empty.

My next option was the apartments for rent book. I tore out a page and gave my butt a wipe. I could feel that the crap was not being removed, just smeared. I looked at the page I tore out and saw it was glossy paper. I looked through the book to see if they were all glossy. They were. Those fancy bastards.

I remembered a three week camping trip I went on where this guy had no toilet paper and had to crap so bad. He ended up using his shirt sleeves and socks. I really considered ripping my shirt sleeves off and using my socks, but I realized I really liked the shirt I had on.

If I used my socks, it would be really messy and I'd have to take a shower. That's when it hit me.

I knew what to do.

I had a sink, soap and an automatic hand dryer. I put my ass over the sink, lathered up my hands with soap, turned on the water and got to cleaning my dirty butt. Once it was cleaned I waddled, my pants were around my ankles, over to the automatic hand dryer. I pressed the button to start the dryer and raised my ass and felt that beautiful heated air on my ass crack.

I walked out of that restroom feeling like the MacGyver of craps.

I sat down at the table with my parents and grandfather and proceeded to tell them exactly what had just happened.

I spared no details.

Swine Flu

Swine Flu? Swine Flu?

I'm more worried about Swine Herpes.

I have sex with pigs.






<--Beautiful

New Flu

There's been a lot of talk, and hype, about the Swine Flu. This flu could become a pandemic...blah, blah, blah.

They're ignoring another flu that has been around for much longer and killed many more people in Mexico.

It's called the Bean Flu.

It seems to only target Mexicans, but is spreading into Texas. The initial theory was it followed the Mexicans sneaking into the US, but that is not the case. The main reason is because of the popularity of Tex-Mex restaurants and the people who enjoy to eat the occasional bean.

There have also been reports of a Fried Chicken Flu, a Cracker Flu and a Rice Flu.

Be Careful.

Susan Boyle

I thought we were done with this lady. I thought that little boy who could sing Micheal Jackson songs had stolen her spotlight.

I was wrong.

Now she's saying that she joked about never being kissed. Who cares?

I don't care about her life.

The only reason people like her is because she is so damn ugly. They feel sorry for her.

People don't like her singing that much, they're just happy to see that she actually has something going for her. It's obviously not her looks or personality.






She looks like an ugly man in ugly drag.

Twitter

Twitter is out of control. It has officially become worse than My Space and Facebook combined.

I'm watching the Spurs vs Mavs game right now and the NBA just advertised it's own Twitter account.

What the fuck.

What could a NBA tweet tell me that I did not just see happen on live tv. They're morons.

Twitter is the worst kind of herpes. World Brain Herpes (WBH). It affects everyone.

The only cure is to read a book. A book that has nothing to do with vampires or the teenage girls who love them.

Andy Rooney

I don't if you have seen Andy Rooney on TV lately, but he looks like he died a couple of years ago.

He is 90 years old.

I saw him on TV the other day and thought I had stumbled on to an unfunny zombie broadcast station. It was just CBS.

His skin looks like it's barely hanging on and his eyes look as if they have the glaucoma.

My cousin's dog had glaucoma. It was blind and used to run into walls.

I feel sorry him.

They should just make a cartoon version of him and his little segment so he won't scare small children and small brown people named Joey.

Hannah Montana Movie

First of all...what the hell?

I don't care about Miley Cyrus.

Poor me, I'm too famous.

Poor me, I don't have a normal life.

Poor me, I have to travel around the country.

Poor me, I'm a millionare.

Shut up Miley Cyrus.

I hope they include the real stuff in the movie. Like how she likes to make fun of the Asian race.

My Love Bumps

This is a picture of my love bumps.

















You get these from being too damn sexy.

Also from rubbing your neck on a vagina with the herpes.

Blog News (3)

This is my formal apology to the two loyal readers who, I know, have been missing my wonderful, insightful blog entries.

Sorry.

I just bought a new house and have found out how much work it is. It's a lot. Maybe I'll post a picture of it one day.

Maybe.

I don't want you psychos knowing what my house looks like.

Joey Secret (7)

When I was twelve a couple of cousins and I started a rap group. We were called Uno, Dos, Tres.

One wore a red shirt, one wore a white shirt with an eagle killing a snake and one wore a green shirt.

Our only song was a play on Kris Kross' "I Missed the Bus". It was called "I Missed the Taco Van".

Valentine's Day Gift

I have the perfect gift idea for the special woman in your life. After you get her the usual chocolates, flowers and little nighties you plan to rip off her, top it off with this.

Tell her you found a beautifully cool picture of the thing she loves most. You can either wrap it up in a frame or just have it on your computer. She'll begin to think of what she loves most. Assure her that you know her well enough to know what she loves most. Talk up the picture and once she seems interested enough, go ahead and unveil it.

The picture will be a close up of your junk, of course. And by "your junk", I mean your penis and balls. You can capture it at full attention or just chilling. The choice is yours.

A gift that will make everybody happy.

Science Lesson

Lately, I have been eating an enormous amount of junk food. I knew I was eating unhealthy, but didn't think much of it until my last couple of bowel movements.

They really stank.

It was almost unbearable.

The stench was so strong, I could still smell it ten minutes after I had left the restroom. I guess the smell had penetrated my nose hairs or maybe my clothes. Either way, it was freaking me out because I was at work. I didn't want to be walking around smelling like a sewage treatment plant.

The lesson is to eat as healthy as you can or else your craps will be so rancid they will border on dangerous and may be considered biological terrorism.

Funny Thing I Told A Stripper

After the stripper was done giving me a lap dance, she was pretty tired.

She was working hard for her money.

Anyway, she was breaking a sweat and said, "I need a little break to cool down. I'll be back, okay?”

With a serious face, I responded with, "You gotta take a shit or what?”

Her face went blank and she said nothing. I started laughing and told her I was just kidding. She attempted to smile but I think I hit the bulls-eye. She probably had a turtle head poking.

I then checked my clothes for any skid marks.

The Best Tow Guy Ever

This past Friday my car decided to not work.

I was about to leave a shopping center when I heard a horrible sound. It sounded as if my engine had fallen out of my car. My car was still running, but would not move forward. Luckily, it would go in reverse. After reversing my car out of the way, I then tried to push my car in neutral. It still would not go forward. I had no idea what the hell was going on. I ended up calling information for a tow service. The information lady asked me which tow service I wanted and I told her it didn't matter. She gave me a number and I called it.

When the tow guy showed up he asked what was wrong with my car. I thought this was weird. They usually only ask where I need my car towed. I told him I had no idea, but it might be the transmission because that is what people had told me (I called a bunch of people). He asked if he could take a look and I told him to go ahead.

After lifting my car up and looking under it he said he had found the problem. One of the bolts on my brake caliper had come loose and became stuck on my rim, locking my wheel. He then said that he could fix it for me for free.

Unbelievable.

I'm now going to cut this story short because I'm tired of typing and the Superbowl is about to start.

He needed a new brake caliper part in order to fix it. He drove me around for four hours to five different used parts places in order to find the part so I wouldn't have to take it to a shop. He fixed it.

All he charged me was the regular towing fee.

If you're in the Houston area and you need a tow call:

Bert D. Polk
832-890-3413

Cartoon Bologna

I happened to see a cartoon the other day where a boy and a girl switched bodies.

The boy and the girl were in high school.

There wasn't one time where the boy in the girl's body checked out what he had.

That is the shit of bulls.

If any high school boy switched bodies with a girl, he would make sure to examine every inch of it. He would check out the boobs, check out the vaginal area, and would probably try to get his girl body off.

The girl in the boy's body would also check out her newly acquired junk. She would probably flick or slap the penis and be surprised how contact that minimal can arouse the one-eyed snake.

I, personally, would be all up in my new vagina. All up in it. It would look something like this.

Other People's Secrets (2)

A friend told me he masturbated in his car while driving to work.

What a weirdo.

Why doesn't he masturbate in church like everyone else?

Caylee Marie Anthony

I'm sure everyone has heard of this little girl who went missing a while back and who has now been found.

I keep hearing how shocked people are that she was found with duct tape over her mouth with a sticker on the duct tape. Why make a big deal about the duct tape? She was murdered. Cut up into pieces and put in a bag. That seems slightly more disturbing than the duct tape.

This also reminds me of how all other races, besides white people, are ignored when it come to missing people. Anybody remember Natalee Holloway?










Of course you do. It was all over news for about ten years. You never see a black, brown, yellow, red, green or blue kid on tv that's gone missing. It's always a good-looking white kid. Kids get kidnapped and murdered all the time, but you never hear about it because they're not white or they are white and just plain ugly.

Chester Cheetah

Why did the Cheetos mascot become evil?

There was a commercial a long time ago where Chester encourages a girl to put Cheetos in someone's dryer so their clothes will be stained. Now, I just saw a commercial where a girl wipes her Cheetos stained hands on this stuck up lady's white shirt. It then cuts to Chester, who sitting on a bench, and he says, "Papa Chester is proud of you".

What the hell is going on?

Why are people being encouraged to do mean things?

First, it was the Carrie Underwood song "Before He Cheats". In the song she talks about keying her cheating boyfriends truck, breaking his headlights with a bat, and carving her name into his leather seats.

Cheating is bad, but acting like a psychotic bitch is worse.

Chester Cheetah has gone to the dark side, along with Carrie Underwood.

People should be nice to each other. I'm nice.

Whenever one of my friends is upset, I offer to take him to a strip club. Titty in the face makes any guy happy.

If a girl is upset, I do the gentlemanly thing and offer them oral sex. I would offer to sleep with them, but that would be weird.

I may be too nice for this world.

Joey Secret (6)

I own four pairs of man panties, also known as briefs.

White Converse Story

A while back, around the time when the U.S. went into Iraq, I went to Journey's to buy some white Converse. I had already decided on a white pair because everybody was wearing black ones. I try to be different.

In my head, the shoes were white with black pinstripes, but when I saw them I was surprised. They were white with the top pinstripe being red and the bottom pinstripe being blue. Red, white and blue. I didn't want to wear an American flag on my foot.

I decided to try them on anyway.

The guy brings out my size and I try them on. I'm looking at them, a little uncertain. The guys asks me if I like them and I say, "I don't know. They look too America for me."
He gives me an odd look, "You don't like America?"
Holy crap. Here’s a white guy hearing me, who looks like from India, saying it was too America. He probably thinks I’m a terrorist. So I quickly respond, “No, I love America. I fucking love it! I’ll take the shoes.”

As I was paying for the shoes I started to hum “God Bless America” and the guy started to hum along with me.

I bought my white converse to prove I wasn’t a terrorist.

Women

I am glad I am not a woman. So glad.

I would not want a bloody discharge pouring out of my body every month. I'd probably be in a bad mood too if I had to deal with that. It's nasty.

I would not want to be pregnant. You have to carry around a giant parasite for nine months. You eat because your parasite is hungry and you get the leftovers while it gets the nutrition.

I would not want to be raped. Yes, this happens to some men in prison. But, it happens to some women who are doing everyday stuff, like shopping or jogging. That sucks.

So, to all the ladies. I respect you.

But know your place or I'll put you in your place.

I'm kidding. Most women can beat me up. Please don't hit me in the face.

Mexicans On TV

They need to put more Mexicans on TV who don't have an accent. It seems like every Mexican I see on TV has just learned to speak English. Not only that, its always for commercials about cheap car insurance.

Why do they have to reinforce the stereotype that all Mexicans are poor and can't speak English?

Stereotypes suck.

I'm a coconut (brown on the outside, white on the inside). This doesn't mean I wish I was white, it means my personal culture is more American than Mexican. For example, I would prefer chicken noodle soup over menudo.

The only time I sound Mexican is when I say the word "caca" and I love to say the word "caca". So, maybe I am pretty Mexican.

I know I'm not the only coconut out there. They need to put more coconuts on TV.

Actually, they just need to put me on TV.

Blog News (2)

I've been lazy. Mostly bored. I have a bunch of ideas written down, just don't want to write.

Most of my ideas have to do with restroom stuff anyway. Don't know why.

Maybe because restrooms are where shit goes down, literally and figuratively.

I'll try and write some more for my three faithful readers.