Dallas Cowboys

The Cowboys suck.

They always choke in the big games.

They deserved to get beat down by the Eagles.

Christmas

This was the most depressing Christmas of my life, so far. I guess it doesn't help when you're already feeling depressed.

It was also my first angry present opening ceremony. You're not suppossed to be angry when you open presents.

The highlight of my five day weekend, right now, is when my grandma gave my 1 year old cousin some champagne. His face said it all, along with the champagne he was slowly drooling out. The best part, though, was when my grandma grab the glass to take another drink my 1 year old cousin flinched because he thought she was trying to give him more. Funny stuff.

My DVR

I love my DVR, but there is a problem. It interferes with my masturbating.

I work the evening shift and I don't get home until 11:11pm. I miss all my shows and it's a lot of tv to catch up with. Even if I fast forward through the commercials, it still takes me a couple of hours.

I don't like to go to sleep too late and all that fast forwarding takes attention away from my precious penis. I can't fast forward and watch a girl get double penetrated at the same time.

I guess sacrifices have to be made.

I'll watch my shows on the weekend.

Joey Secret (5)

I have a PhD in Fartology.

There was a period of time where I collected my farts in empty mayonnaise jars. I labeled them according to food that produced it.

It was mostly jars labeled broccoli, cabbage, beans and pepperoni.

My Family

My mother called this past Friday and told me I should go to Corpus Christi with them on Saturday for my aunt's fiftieth birthday. I said no. She then began the biggest guilt trip to date.

They haven't seen you in forever. They miss you. They love you. She would be so happy to see you. Blah, blah, blah.

It kinda bothers me when my family, besides my parents, say they love me. They don't even know me. If they got to know me, they may not love me so much.

I probably spend more time with co-workers than with extended family.

Anyway, back to the story.

We get to my aunt's house and my father and I immediately start to drink. I find when I'm a little drunk, I handle my family better.

I ended up getting real drunk. Tequila was involved.

I blacked out and woke up in a bed the next morning. As I was putting my shoes on, an image of a toilet popped in my head. I started to wonder if I vomited last night. This was confirmed when every single family member asked me if I was alright.

Apparently, I vomited while my uncles made fun me. I was told this by my parents because I do not remember.

Good times.

This information didn't surprise or bother me. It did seem to bother my parents though. My mom said she didn't like hearing my uncles make fun of me while I was vomiting. I asked her what she expected. She knows my uncles can be immature.

My dad came up to me before I left and made it clear why he was bothered. He told me, "I want you to work on your drinking. I didn't like how they were making fun you". I told him it will definitely happen again (vomiting) and that's the way it is. I'm not perfect and he shouldn't be embarrassed I drink like a lightweight. It's better than being an alcoholic. He wasn't put at ease.

What a great weekend.

Subway Commercial

This commercial has been around for a while now. I laughed every time I saw it on the t.v. and finally decided I should share my version with other people.

It's the five dollar foot long commercial. You know, the one where they put a hand up. Then they make the foot long sign.

Well, there is a part in the commercial where there is a giant, Godzilla-like, robot and a Japanese girl doing the five dollar foot long signs. The thing is, people don't know the back story of why she's making those signs.

It's not for Subway.

The robot is on his way to have sex with the Japanese girl. She's putting her five up to say stop.












Then the foot long sign to say that his robot penis is far too big for her human vagina.












If you watch the commercial, she's scared. She doesn't want to be ripped in half by a giant robot penis.

In fact, she is so scared, it might be a giant raping robot. That would scare me.

Keep an eye out for the commercial.

Blog News

I've noticed an interesting trend I'd like to share with my three faithful readers.

In the past couple of weeks I've had new visitors from all over the country, Canada and United Kingdom. They were all looking for a way to embarrass someone. My blog "The Best Way To Embarrass Someone" pops up. Who knows if they actually read it.

My question is why does the month of December increase the need to embarrass someone? Are people looking to traumatize family members or what? Maybe it's college students with too much vacation time on their hands. Either way, I think my blog has a great way to embarrass someone.

One new visitor found my "Butt Sweat" blog by googling "stinky butt sweat". Why he was using google to look up "stinky butt sweat" is a whole another set of questions.

Think Positive

I'm feeling upbeat today, so I thought I'd write something positive.

If you're having a crappy day remember what you have to be grateful for. You have a place to live, you have food to eat, and you have people who care about you. There really is nothing more you need. Everything else is extra.

Watch out for my blog when I'm feeling depressed. It'll probably be titled, "Why You Should Shoot Yourself In The Face".

Biological Attack!

I went to take a piss today and the urinal had about twenty pubic hairs around the rim. It was so much that it was impossible that they could have fallen out by themselves. This person had to have pulled them out and sprinkled them around the rim of the urinal.

It is possible, I guess, that they had fallen out. But this guy would have to have had a pubic hair bush the size of a basketball and scratched this bush like he had crabs to get the pubic hair shower that occurred.

This guy should have trimmed his pubes, like me. I hated seeing pubes lying on my bathroom floor.

I don't trim it too short, though. There still needs to be some mystery.

Shampoo Conspiracy

At the risk of sounding like a little girl on her period, there is a shampoo conspiracy going on. Every time I buy shampoo and conditioner in separate bottles there is always one that finishes before the other. I make sure to get the same amount, keeping consistency in mind, every time. Yet, somehow, one is always empty before the other.

I know those bastards do it on purpose. They just want to mess with people.

I'm going to perform some more studies and I'll let you know what I find.

Albert Einstein or Marilyn Monroe Illusion

I stumbled upon this. It's kinda cool.

http://jimspages.com/AEorMM.htm

Life Should Be Like Cartoons

I was in an elevator the other day when, all of a sudden, it smelt like expired pepperoni mixed with broccoli. Of course, no one is going to fess up to the deed. This is why life should be more like cartoons. If someone farts, you see a little puff of air from their butt. You can't hide that.

If something stinks you would see stink lines above it. If someone is running fast you would see some speed lines behind them. When someone became really angry, steam would shoot out of their ears.

I need to stop watching cartoons.

Liars

Why do people lie? It's annoying.

I told some co-workers about a crap I had just taken. I was telling them how much crap I actually crapped. It was at least two pounds.

Anyway, my crap isn't the point of the story. It was their reaction.

One said, "Gross, you look at it?". Of course I look at my crap. Why wouldn't I? There could be a crazy big tape worm crawling around and in between my poop. If I didn't look, I would never know that tape worm was there, laying it's tape worm eggs in my intestines.

I asked them if they looked at their poop and they said no. They don't look when they flush.

Bullshit.

You have to look. If you don't look you won't know if everything has been flushed. The last thing you want to do is leave some floaters in the toilet. Floaters are gross.

I know they look at their poop. They shouldn't be ashamed. They should be proud of what they made.

People shouldn't lie.

6th Street

I haven't been to 6th St. in a while. I went during the Thanksgiving holiday and came to a realization.

6th St. is crazy.

I can see how I've once been choked there and physical thrown out of bars on more than one occasion.

Thankfully, I was more responsible this time and did not vomit or pass out anywhere. I'm so mature.