Unused Condoms

I was cleaning up the other day and came across a handful of condoms. I checked the expiration date and was disappointed to find that they expired last year.

That sucks.

I then thought to myself, "If it sucks for me, then it really must suck for the condoms."

Those condoms had hopes and dreams...and I crushed them.

All they wanted to do was to hang on to a penis and enter a vagina (or wherever you like to stick it). That's all.

If only I had more sex.

I let them down.

I'm sorry, Unused Condoms.

I think I'll give them to some old guys in a retirement home. All those old ladies they bang can't have babies, so it doesn't matter if they break.

I'm really thoughtful.

The Time There Was No Toilet Paper

It was a gloomy, overcast Saturday morning in Houston, TX. A normal Houston morning. I was sitting in a mexican restaurant with my parents and grandfather trying figure out what I wanted with my eggs. My family had come into town the day before for my graduation out of UT MD Anderson. They're good family.

At the time, I was living with my friend, his family and his girlfriend, who was also graduating from UT MD Anderson. We had a big party, for his girlfriend and myself, after the graduation with everybody's family, along with a bunch of food and alcohol. It was fun and I got a little drunk.

It was that night of fun which led to me reading a mexican restaurant menu, looking forward to putting some substance in my stomach.

It also led to the beer shits.

After feeling my stomach bubbling dangerously, I excused myself from the table and walked as fast as I could, without looking too obvious or weird, to the toilet.

When you really have to go, the urge gets stronger the closer you get to the toilet. Well, by the time I reached the toilet I was ready to explode.

After relieving myself, I felt so much better. I took a deep breath to relax and almost vomited. I then flushed the toilet out of courtesy. No one needs to smell that. Looking to clean my butt hole, I started to look for toilet paper. There was no toilet paper (like the title).

I started freaking out a little bit, then began think about my options. This was a single toilet restroom, so I couldn't steal from another. I could see the sink next to me, the soap dispenser, the paper towel holder, an automatic hand dryer, and a rack of books that show apartments for rent. The best option was to use paper towels.

The paper towel holder was empty.

My next option was the apartments for rent book. I tore out a page and gave my butt a wipe. I could feel that the crap was not being removed, just smeared. I looked at the page I tore out and saw it was glossy paper. I looked through the book to see if they were all glossy. They were. Those fancy bastards.

I remembered a three week camping trip I went on where this guy had no toilet paper and had to crap so bad. He ended up using his shirt sleeves and socks. I really considered ripping my shirt sleeves off and using my socks, but I realized I really liked the shirt I had on.

If I used my socks, it would be really messy and I'd have to take a shower. That's when it hit me.

I knew what to do.

I had a sink, soap and an automatic hand dryer. I put my ass over the sink, lathered up my hands with soap, turned on the water and got to cleaning my dirty butt. Once it was cleaned I waddled, my pants were around my ankles, over to the automatic hand dryer. I pressed the button to start the dryer and raised my ass and felt that beautiful heated air on my ass crack.

I walked out of that restroom feeling like the MacGyver of craps.

I sat down at the table with my parents and grandfather and proceeded to tell them exactly what had just happened.

I spared no details.