The Time There Was No Toilet Paper

It was a gloomy, overcast Saturday morning in Houston, TX. A normal Houston morning. I was sitting in a mexican restaurant with my parents and grandfather trying figure out what I wanted with my eggs. My family had come into town the day before for my graduation out of UT MD Anderson. They're good family.

At the time, I was living with my friend, his family and his girlfriend, who was also graduating from UT MD Anderson. We had a big party, for his girlfriend and myself, after the graduation with everybody's family, along with a bunch of food and alcohol. It was fun and I got a little drunk.

It was that night of fun which led to me reading a mexican restaurant menu, looking forward to putting some substance in my stomach.

It also led to the beer shits.

After feeling my stomach bubbling dangerously, I excused myself from the table and walked as fast as I could, without looking too obvious or weird, to the toilet.

When you really have to go, the urge gets stronger the closer you get to the toilet. Well, by the time I reached the toilet I was ready to explode.

After relieving myself, I felt so much better. I took a deep breath to relax and almost vomited. I then flushed the toilet out of courtesy. No one needs to smell that. Looking to clean my butt hole, I started to look for toilet paper. There was no toilet paper (like the title).

I started freaking out a little bit, then began think about my options. This was a single toilet restroom, so I couldn't steal from another. I could see the sink next to me, the soap dispenser, the paper towel holder, an automatic hand dryer, and a rack of books that show apartments for rent. The best option was to use paper towels.

The paper towel holder was empty.

My next option was the apartments for rent book. I tore out a page and gave my butt a wipe. I could feel that the crap was not being removed, just smeared. I looked at the page I tore out and saw it was glossy paper. I looked through the book to see if they were all glossy. They were. Those fancy bastards.

I remembered a three week camping trip I went on where this guy had no toilet paper and had to crap so bad. He ended up using his shirt sleeves and socks. I really considered ripping my shirt sleeves off and using my socks, but I realized I really liked the shirt I had on.

If I used my socks, it would be really messy and I'd have to take a shower. That's when it hit me.

I knew what to do.

I had a sink, soap and an automatic hand dryer. I put my ass over the sink, lathered up my hands with soap, turned on the water and got to cleaning my dirty butt. Once it was cleaned I waddled, my pants were around my ankles, over to the automatic hand dryer. I pressed the button to start the dryer and raised my ass and felt that beautiful heated air on my ass crack.

I walked out of that restroom feeling like the MacGyver of craps.

I sat down at the table with my parents and grandfather and proceeded to tell them exactly what had just happened.

I spared no details.

Swine Flu

Swine Flu? Swine Flu?

I'm more worried about Swine Herpes.

I have sex with pigs.






<--Beautiful

New Flu

There's been a lot of talk, and hype, about the Swine Flu. This flu could become a pandemic...blah, blah, blah.

They're ignoring another flu that has been around for much longer and killed many more people in Mexico.

It's called the Bean Flu.

It seems to only target Mexicans, but is spreading into Texas. The initial theory was it followed the Mexicans sneaking into the US, but that is not the case. The main reason is because of the popularity of Tex-Mex restaurants and the people who enjoy to eat the occasional bean.

There have also been reports of a Fried Chicken Flu, a Cracker Flu and a Rice Flu.

Be Careful.

Susan Boyle

I thought we were done with this lady. I thought that little boy who could sing Micheal Jackson songs had stolen her spotlight.

I was wrong.

Now she's saying that she joked about never being kissed. Who cares?

I don't care about her life.

The only reason people like her is because she is so damn ugly. They feel sorry for her.

People don't like her singing that much, they're just happy to see that she actually has something going for her. It's obviously not her looks or personality.






She looks like an ugly man in ugly drag.

Twitter

Twitter is out of control. It has officially become worse than My Space and Facebook combined.

I'm watching the Spurs vs Mavs game right now and the NBA just advertised it's own Twitter account.

What the fuck.

What could a NBA tweet tell me that I did not just see happen on live tv. They're morons.

Twitter is the worst kind of herpes. World Brain Herpes (WBH). It affects everyone.

The only cure is to read a book. A book that has nothing to do with vampires or the teenage girls who love them.

Andy Rooney

I don't if you have seen Andy Rooney on TV lately, but he looks like he died a couple of years ago.

He is 90 years old.

I saw him on TV the other day and thought I had stumbled on to an unfunny zombie broadcast station. It was just CBS.

His skin looks like it's barely hanging on and his eyes look as if they have the glaucoma.

My cousin's dog had glaucoma. It was blind and used to run into walls.

I feel sorry him.

They should just make a cartoon version of him and his little segment so he won't scare small children and small brown people named Joey.

Hannah Montana Movie

First of all...what the hell?

I don't care about Miley Cyrus.

Poor me, I'm too famous.

Poor me, I don't have a normal life.

Poor me, I have to travel around the country.

Poor me, I'm a millionare.

Shut up Miley Cyrus.

I hope they include the real stuff in the movie. Like how she likes to make fun of the Asian race.